I don’t mean to sound old and philosophical, nor do I mean to crib, one has to do what they have to do, to get on in life. People have complained, and sometimes quite rightly so, (sometimes only) that I crib too much, but believe me, I really have never wanted to. Its been an outburst of what I see around me, which I believe is wrong. I guess I tend to speak too much about what I feel is not right or involves too much effort, rather than just doing it, which in human perception is considered as a sign of strength. But believe me fellas, never have I ever, ever shied away from work or effort or anything of the kind.

Come to think if it, its been a long journey here in Tumkur. As much as I have hated the place in the past, it seems to have grown onto me, probably because of the type of company I have here, as well as our completely crazy lifestyle, which frankly no one tends to object on.

Wake up when you want, do whatever you want, with the obvious limits of monetary constraints. Time seems to have lost its cycle. Ankit lives off a different time zone and it doesn’t actually matter as long as he puts in the required hours in front of the computer or the drafting table, as the situation may demand. Sid seems to have gone into maximum productivity mode during the wee hours of the night as he does the best of all he does between midnight and five in the morning. I on the other hand seem to be the only person who lives of the IST, sleeping around two and waking up accordingly in the not so early hours of the morning, say around eight ??!!

The only problem that comes into question here is, what will happen once we’re out of here ? I mean how is a company or an enterprise going to deal with our weird hours and productivity periods ? But then again we defy this too, by experiment we’ve seen that the time table can be rescheduled in no time at all !! All it takes is an excrutiating stay awake period at your regular sleeping hours and bingo you’re back in what we tend to call the regular hours.

Arunav left yesterday. A chapter closed in the prolific history of doing absolutely nothing and still enjoying ourselves. We’ve spent a countless number of hours commenting on movies and the flaws that they have, laughing about stupid things, ignoring important things such as exams and like, and debating the most non consequencial issues on the planet. I stood there right in front of the bus stand as he sped away in the Volvo heading towards Pune, wondering what life would be like when all these guys would leave. I stood there thinking, staring into the horizon as long as I could see the bus(which was quite a bit considering the straight road, rather large size of the bus, and the bare naked roads owing to the felling of all the trees around them, they say its been done to widen the roads, bah ! ) and wondering what it would take to assimilate another group of friends so close that they would run out in their pyjamas in the middle of the night if you were in trouble.

Some say this is not the end but just the beginning. College is going to get over at the undergraduate level in no time at all, but it doesn’t feel like four years have gone by. It seems like school got over ever so recently and college hasn’t been so long. All the guys I knew in school have moved on in life. Hardly anyone remains in the city of Kolkata, or rather Calcutta as I prefer calling it. Whoever remains there has changed ever so rapidly, that at times it gets difficult to relate to them considering the fact that the experiences that we have had in the past four years have been so varied. They have changed, as have I, but the underlying factors still bond us, hence despite all the differences, whenever you know someone is in town you tend to do whatever it takes to meet up with them, no matter what.

The last, semi reunion that we had in Bangalore last month was such a revelation. We hardly had spent ten minutes with each other, when we started taking each others trip, I mean it was so funny man, but at the same time it was wonderful.

It is the same case in most peoples lives, when you are somewhere you dream about being somewhere else and how great life would be there. As a child you always wanna grow up, as a teenager you miss being a child but wanna be an adult because of all the freedom that comes with it. Only when you become an adult that you realize that old age is not so inviting and hope to age with dignity. The same way, I always wanted to get out of here, but today when everyone is leaving, this place seems so much better than all the places I have been, with the possible exception of home. In the last few months, we have stopped referring to our place of residence as a flat, rather unconsciously though, we have started calling it home. I very recently recognized this and blamed it on the tremendous power man has to adapt to his immediate environment, but dude, is that all that there is to it.

I have met so many people in my life, people who influenced me to a very large extent, and then disappeared from my life. Every single individual I have met has taught me so much, that words would fail to describe everything. They have moulded me, into what I am today, for better or worse. Relationships have given me essential lessons in life, thank you everyone, for every moment I have spent with you, enjoyed myself, felt loved and cared for, hated and thrown right out of your lives, willingly and not so willingly. But I guess you had to move on, find your own goals, enjoy your own freedom, a part of your lives where I did not find any part. I realize today that as much as I wanted to be with you’ll, it doesn’t happen that way all the time, sometimes its far more different and difficult to deal with someone like me, than I would imagine. I have been a jerk, been difficult and stupid, to the limit that I would not tolerate myself if I were in your place, but you have done it more than once, thank you.

I guess everyone goes through all this in their lives, everyone feels like they are doing the right thing, sometimes pushing it all, because you feel desperate to have something that you so desire, and which for the moment seems more important than anything else in the world. The problem being, that all of us have this great desire to be liked and felt wanted, unless of course you are some sociopath. But then again there comes a phase when you realize that all this isn’t the end of the world, it is far more important to bow out with grace and dignity than hang with a loose thread with none at all.

To all the people, I have wronged, for what its worth, I’m sorry, if you’ve decided to exclude me from your lives I respect that decision. To all those people who I have been a jerk with, trust me, in my right mind I have never ever wanted to be that way, its just that… I don’t know…

If you are tolerating me, thanks, if you aren’t, a heartfelt goodbye…. Someday when we meet again, maybe we can start out afresh, and maybe things won’t be as complicated.

Ps: Please forgive my cribbing, I’m trying my best to put a stop to it. People have already started complaining about my emotionless mechanical nature, but really, I’m not like that, I guess I haven’t learnt how to communicate what I feel all the time, in the most effective manner, but then again that’s no excuse. I’m trying… sincerely.