My mind... black, white and grey matter

2008-12-31T21:18:00.002+05:30

I got this message today,
"Be like a bird which does not carry all that is not needed, Happy New Year"... lovely way to put it... This year has been one of the weirdest in many years for me... and I do hope there is lot better in store in 2009. Why weird... hmmm.... well.... because it has seen revelations like never before, the kinds which can alter the way someone can think or lead his or her life.

Im not a whiner, and never will be... Im not the victim... not yet.... May this year bring forth the best in everyone, may you all get what you deserve.... leave behind all the baggage and fly high.... soar like an eagle... and be as agile as a sparrow....

2008-12-10T19:50:00.002+05:30

The world is at the cross roads now. I would say what happened in Mumbai has rocked the sensibilties of a lot of people across all quarters. Life has always been a struggle for many a Mumbaikar, but now the show of empathy makes sense as they see their lives, cursed and hell like earlier, in more light and realise how the uninteresting in fact is stable. Over the years wherever such crazy incidents have taken place, a section of society has seen a massive change in their mindsets. The same seems to be happening here.

Life is so complicated that more often than not we fall into the traps that we have created for ourselves. The mind can become one's biggest enemy at times, where ones problems seem much larger and more difficult than the rest of the worldput together. It is tragedy across the board that makes us realise how priviliged we infact are.

I thought things were all going wrong for me. But then, when I think of the guy who got shot because he missed a train to Calcutta and the mother who is nursing a child who was shot at with a dead husband and a bullet in her leg, I think my problems are nothing. Im but a well to do young man dealing with his own mind more than anything else.

The name of the blog is apt for the situation. It is the black matter which acts up in most of us, and when the white matter comes flying at us straight in the face thats when grey matter is actually formed. Ladies and Gentleman, life isnt as difficult as we think. There are difficult and easy moments, let us nt confuse them both to make a mess of the whole thing. BUT you out there... thanks for everything... but the most for the lesson you have taught me... Whenever you read this, let a little bit of voltage run through your whole body, because all that you do comes back to you.... more importantly... the more you give... the more you get...
Life strong, be well, and remember you are my best memory... cheers ! :)

2008-11-21T00:23:00.002+05:30

two years...
a gazillion milliseconds...
its all there.... right in front of me...
an out of body experience.... its easy to analyse now.. to find flaws...
to talk about it now.. it was difficult then... its difficult now...
well life's difficult...
do whatever suits u.. always... do whatever suits u... be selfish... be u...

2008-11-01T10:56:00.002+05:30

Q. Whats an addiction ??
Ans. Something that causes to rule over your mind, and not the other way around. Ive tried analysing the dynamics of this, and have unfortunately failed. It makes no sense, and hence I cant seem to analyse it. Why would man pay for his or her own destruction is beyond my understanding, but yet it happens and happens all the time. Its almost as if habits satisfy us, they satisfy our existence.

We're often beaten and bruised by this addiction, hurt very badly, emotionally or even physically to say the least, but thats hardly a deterrent for us addicts, we still push on, because we like this addiction, we're in love with how it feels.
This addiction is self defacing, it leaves no self respect, which seems so trivial in the search of happiness. Unfortunately, this self defacing battle is more often than not lost, and one is left with a few memories to salvage and a self preservation instinct that makes you think, its better now than later. Thanfully you fold shop, with sharp thoughts of a future that never was. You say your goodbye's and try and salvage whatever is left, but the bloody addiction doesnt let go... its a parasite that you cant live without... unfortuntely.... one must make mind rule over matter.. because its now or never...

2008-10-05T12:35:00.002+05:30

Am at the fag end of my PSAC (= Parents sponsored academic career! )... another two months and Ill be outta here. A journeyI started when I was four is now set to move into a chapter called prologue. Unfortunately, things always wern't as expected, considering the sample size I'm talking about here (5 years of Architecture and almost 2 year of management), this is quite a number I'm talking about.

With practically nothing to do after my last exams, I figured out that Ive taken close to 500 exams in the last ten years, to come where I stand today. Unfortunately, one would have exepected to be at the gates of heaven after so many tests ( to which I have stood tall and defiant, if not worthy), but have in fact arrived at the cross roads of my life. Now there are two roads that move out from here, an old adage says that the path less travelled has always made man a better person, and the other says "!#@$% u crazy ?? Relax will you ??"

A hundred years ago listening to the old sages with white beards may have been the order of the day, but I do suppose junk food and modern life has made me retarded enough not to realise the obvious choice. Karma they say, is the way to salvation, on the other hand, whoever needs salvation ??

Dad turned 54 this year, mom crossed half a century. Albeit they arent without thier set of problems, head to toe they're showing signs og aging, but frankly speaking I've never seen them more alive or full of emotions. Its a very charecter amongst us humans, unlike flowers, we dont take it our destiny to wilt and crumble, we fight it everyday. From meds to therapy to creams we use everything to stay constant. Thankfully, my parents have aged gracefully, and thier grace has taught me a lot more than any book has in the last few years. I think Jurong would have had a few fights at home, I wish he had written more about the quality of life.

To all you dillusioned people, who I am thankful to for reading this ( believe me.... you're probably a handful scattered across this planet, and have probably come across this by some random chance... cause I dont publicize this anyway) this blog is about age and education.

Am I educated ?? People say yes.... Do i feel educated ?? NO....
What lies ahead in the future ?? I havent a clue..... People say prosperity, I wonder.
Insanity I think is what this world is heading to. I dont know if I've mentioned this before, but I've read somewhere.. (..and god knows where) that the homo sapien wasnt always conscious of himself. The great Illyad and Odyessey (...by Homer and not some other idiot) spoke about a great war, the chances are that Acchilees and the lot hadnt a clue about what they were doing. They were no better than animals, they were instigated and they fought.

There was a theory which said that we differ due to our deviances. Unfortunately, animals have deviant behaviour too, I knew a Dog ( and the best one i've ever come across) who thought he was human and cats who thought they were dogs. Havent you read in the papers ?? Cats are feeding tiger cubs and seals who thing buoys are thier mates ?? Do you blame humans if they want to be tied up and beaten and cum as a result of that ?? Or for that matter hang upside down for a few days just to see whether they can survive it.

I think all these bombings, all this violence, is natures way of ensuring that we go back to the flint age. The irony is to see how this world is diverse in its functioning, us educated people kill each other for money, we live in cramped spaces and pretend to be happy with a pair of Reebok shoes which we didnt need, but bought with a credit card, who's bill is going to haunt us for ages. Are we really edcucated ?

Those who call themselves our teachers are mighty screwed up. I mean its surprising people havent even realised how mad some of these people are. Its insane how people talk of morality without even looking at themselves, even once. The conscience ladies and gentlemen died long ago. Sadhus and evangelists, talk of living lives in a certain way.. politicians con us, the wannabe teachers fuck our minds, parents fight, people fight, countries fight.... for what may I ask ?

This is not the ranting of some mad freak whos frustrated with life.... This is the ranting of a man whos trying to make a difference. For whom, happiness is primary and all others secondary. Im not going to hang on a rope hoping to move into some galaxy where we have people who are kind and gentle. I dont want kind and gentle creatures, Im not looking for Pandas. Im looking for a mind in human biengs, unfortunately I have been failed time and time again.

You love someone with all you have ? To get what in return ? Nothing at all... you do it for your own satisfaction.... you cry when that someone hurts you.... why ?? not because it makes a friggin difference... but because you feel sad for that person. Mom and Dad lived for me, they gave me everything.... I feel sorry for people who I have loved and have walked away.... you dont deserve me.... you cannot deserve me.... Im better than this.... And this is not narcasissm.... Just because you cant see doesnt mean the world does not have eyes. Unfortunately for a lot of you, who have decided to walk away... my condolences, because you will never realise what it means to give.... to have and to keep...... you havent been shown that way.... it exists believe me.... I just hope that you dont realise it when you're lying on your deathbed, or in some inexcusable situation.... I just hope you stay happy and never realise it at all... Good Luck and god bless...

(This blog was written after a lot of thought, with no alcohol, drugs or any external influence, one early morning. Its cynical, but it just holds the answer to a lot of things I think about everyday.... I will become better than what I have become... is all I can say.... For all those who've stuck around... thanks for doing that.... I promise you havent wasted your time... the rest I do not wish to comment upon anymore... )

2008-08-07T11:39:00.002+05:30

Life has only one constant, change, and the best teacher in life is life itself.
In the past one year, Ive been through life changing experiences. Ones where I have felt that I am an agent of change, an individual who is what a lot of people have been in this world. On both counts where I have thought so, I have been a failure. Ive tried making my perspective heard amongst people, and No it is hasnt worked, all my logic and cool senses seem to have waned away in this proces, and when it comes to managing a group of people, my confidence has been hampered severly because it seems that myopic vision rules life in the world today.

NICMAR has been an attempt to better many a thing which otherwise would have been left unattended. People management, I thought, was one of my biggest strengths, sadly, my method of doing has its flaws, the biggest of them bieng that im too democratic in my approach. When it comes to my personal life, I thought that when you're loving you leave behind all else, but sadly it seems like Im a dreamer and Im the only one.

The unpredictability of human nature has left me undone, I am a victim of the lack of ability to understand what has in time lost and won many battles, I am a victim of the human mind.... but cheers.... im down but not out.... i tried and failed.... maybe some other time...

2008-05-11T11:04:00.002+05:30

50 blogs in over two years..... i wonder what I've been upto... lol

A very dear and close blogger says... "one email can change your life..... ", why one email..... emails are a writte nmanifestation of ones feelings.... sometimes theyre worth it... sometimes theyre not.... a simple text message.... a 10 second conversation.... no conversation.... no messaging... a withdrawl can change your life... why.... anything can change ur life....

am i now not a prime example..... ?? a bugging changed idiot.... who just changed.... and to no avail... ive changed.... havent i ?? tell me.... who am i ?? what am i ?? ive stood up to what ive needed to be..... i wanted to be one strong guy... the chap who stood there.... but to get shooed away.... is not... me..... its not me.... its not me......

im here... strong and tall......me and my strong mind....

2008-05-09T10:07:00.004+05:30

Ive tried about six times.... i know i wanna write... but dont know what...... if anyone is reading this.... there is a long... long.... long one coming up next.....

2008-04-07T15:27:00.002+05:30

Perched on the fifth floor, I have this excellent view of Pune, this city is like any other, a concrete jungle.... but then I have the hills very close by, so the morning are fabulous..... I was up most of last night... working some.... reading some... figuring somethings out... spending the night.. to plan for my day !!

Early this morning, something very interesting happened.... a stray litter on campus managed to get on the fifth floor, and a bunch of mid sized puppies were romping around... not the best thing that can happen to you, but most definitely great to see a bunch of happy puppies early morning... fed them a couple of stale biscuits !!

I wish something nice would happen every morning, it makes my day.... If you're reading this.... and you know who you are, (fat chance you'll be reading my blog though !!) you're the most special thing thats happened to me... I wish I was with you.... !!

2008-04-06T20:39:00.003+05:30

Compulsive tendencies, what does it mean to be compulsive ??
Well, how about this.... all smokers casually pick up a smoke when theres nothing much to do....
OR, There is always this one thing thats on your mind at all times.. so much so.. that you'd do anything to keep things in a certain way in ur mind atleast...
There is this story about a certain tribe in Africa, where exepecting mothers were sent to this small hut all by themselves, and they came out of the hut, their child in their hands, not a sound ever came out of the hut.... A western reasearcher who went there was mind blown by this phenomena.... only to realise when told by the chief of the clan, that its all in the mind....
Similarly, so many things in our lives are all in our minds.... sometimes, we end up liking or disliking someone, without any reason as such, its almost automatic....
And then again, even if it hurts us, we chase something or go after something as if our lives depended on it..... Hellen Keller was righ when she said " No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".... We just do it to ourselves, and the best part is, it doesnt hurt then... it doesnt even smart.... its all done.... till you think about it later... and even then... some of our emotions have it in them to neutralize all others..... we keep fighting and we screaming, but we know inside us... that thats the way to be,... no matter what... no matter where....

All who smile, should know... that without tears there wud have been no smiles...
Sometimes, just sometimes, look beyond yourself and reach out to someone else... it helps understand how insignificant our problems are... lets say... its just a way to make ourselves feel better..... Stand like a wall, for those who have you when the cement hadnt dried.... otherwise.. whatever was the use of building this wall ??

Love like you never have.... lifes too short for hatred....

2008-03-24T19:02:00.002+05:30

hello cruel.. .cruel world...
or rather... hello me... i wud be surprised if anyone still follows this blog.....
its been a while... more than a while actually... and it doesnt seem to great to have missed the oppourtunity have written my heart out here...
well.... come to think of it... i dont feel like writing much anymore than i did yesterday... but yes i promise a lot more of me is going to come onto this page now....
i suppose its essential that i atleast write a tad bit more... or i suppose my creative talents... whatever little i do have... shall go to the dumps......
much more follows... even if no ones going to be reading this... atleast for my satisfaction....

2007-01-23T20:41:00.000+05:30

“God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.”

Bill Watterson quotes (American Author of the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, b.1958)

2007-01-21T22:53:00.000+05:30

i require a teleportation device.... a time machine... the rest will come on its own :)
i wonder why manking hasnt really invested enough into these important inventions...

2006-12-19T20:20:00.000+05:30

Of betrayal, and lies... which is the greater evil ?

Im almost done with 5 years.... and im utterly confused.... of gandhi and hitler... who was worse...
In my own perspective... rather as an Indian.... i would say Gandhi.... truth... all balls...
People just go over the cliff with the way they are.... not like i havent.... at one point of time... but people do it ever so incessantly... and that too over somethings that wreck your sense of time and space... and emotions...

This places is horribly lonely... i live with two other people.... and im thankful for them.... it cud have been much much worse...
People change in such environments.... adapt to them and then grow within them... for better or for worse... lonliness can get to you... it can become an inspiration for some and for some others it becomes a weakness....

At times it all bites... and so hard... that you try and clinge on to whatever little you have.... or at times... hope to have.... dillusions... illusions... and day dreaming become a part of your life... and then one day you wake up..... and trust me... you wake up on the wrong side of your bed... to become someone... so heartless... metamorphised in your tryst for survival, that you can hardly recognize yourself...

Every now and then.... you try and become normal again... try and grow an extension to yourself which is nipped off.... by none other than yourself.... and times when that isnt nipped, something else is... and all the gung ho that you have falls right off... lonliness teaches u to deal with it all.... and... well wait for another arm to grow... :)

2006-11-14T15:10:00.000+05:30

Review next week.... I hate them for doing this to me.... Im fedd up of this stupid thesis.... it isnt making any sense to me anymore...

I dont want to be here... i wanna be far far away.... with.....

2006-09-02T13:11:00.001+05:30

My state of mind :

"Crazy"

In a church by the face
He talks about the people going under
Only child know
A man decides after seventy years
That what he goes there for
Is to unlock the door
While those around him criticize and sleep
And through a fractal on that breaking wall
I see you my friend and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Crazy cray crazy
Crazy are the people walking through my head
One of thems got a gun to shoot the other one
And yet together they were friends at school
Get it, get it, get it, yeah!
If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe then maybe then maybe then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Crazy
No no we'll never survive unless we get a little bit
A man decides to go along after seventy years
Oh darlin
In a sky full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe Oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy
Ohh
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
No no never survive unless we get a little bit
And then you see things
The size of which you've never known before
They'll break it
Someday
Only child know
Them things
The size
Of which you've never known before
Someday

2006-08-29T01:08:00.000+05:30

ummmm.... bunk it...

2006-08-17T18:59:00.000+05:30

it tought seeing nani try and cope over nana not bieng there anymore every day..... its not going to happen in a day... but thank god she has adequate support... i end up feeling so miserable every now and then.. i wonder what shes going through.... to be married for 51 years... to share each others lives for all the time... and then suddenly one day..... you wake up to remember that the other person isnt there anymore..... maybe ive over simplified it... but i guess all the good times make the pain worthwhile....kudos to the institution of marraige....

2006-08-16T11:24:00.000+05:30

Things have changed so much since i got back last time...
Nanaji is no more..... things have changed so so much..... i cant seem to be able to identify all the changes... its all a massive blur.... but yes..... i wish i was there when he died..... noone told me anything.... and coming back and facing the reality which was as harsh as this.... wasnt quite easy.....
Its been a rough 15 days....

2006-07-22T17:21:00.000+05:30

right im back...
wonder why they shut off all the blogs.... bloody hell....
jury on the 27th..... slogging my butt off....

2006-07-08T18:25:00.001+05:30

So bloody correct man... calvin rocks... hes the modern kid.. and then again also questions the adult within us.... hes the perfect devil, and also the perfect angel.... the one kid who isnt a stereotype... rocking aint he?

2006-07-04T19:12:00.000+05:30

a decent paper.... but then again... professional practice... u never know.... who reads the bullshit that they teach us, and compares it to the bullshit that they know... lol... u never know how things will be with subjects like this

2006-07-03T18:27:00.000+05:30

ahem....
exams in the horizon.... in less than 24 hours... and i just started studying... wish me luck guys... im really bamboozled... professional practise... lol...
lets see what happens... shockingly, none of us seem to be tensed one bit...
maybe its a good thing...
lets see what happens...

2006-07-02T17:55:00.000+05:30

And then god said, there shall be noise... !!!!!!

Some of the goddamn idiots living around us are the biggest bloody ******* ive seen. O the friggin idiots start washing thier clothes at like 5 in the morning, and my room faces and balcony which faces thiers.... and make it conveneient to grunt like the Maria Sharapovas on TV every time they raise the poor clothes over thier heads and bring the down with such a bang, that a dead man would spring alive.

Its either the clothes, or the bloody utensils, i wonder how many they use in day... theyre always washing, it is soooo irritating.

They make it a point to stand there and shout if we play music a wee bit louder than usual, or any of us soccer enthusiasts lets out a little scream. But then again, i wish i could go over to thier place and smash something up, to make them realise that if i play something loud it has melody, what u have banging outside ur house is a like .... NOISE !!

2006-07-01T13:29:00.000+05:30

Im doing a bio tech facility for my thesis, finally, the entire process ends... or rather starts..
Its been a nice day, the sun behind the clouds, the faint glow all around... The breeze, or should i call it a gale...
it was like this when i was in first year... then it all seemed to have changed, mans effect on his climate... but now its back...
lets see maybe we could make a trip to DD Hills sometime... it wud so rock...

2006-06-30T19:03:00.000+05:30

awright...
all of em buggers are slowly moving out of Kolkata... Arjun is a Mumbai man now... and from the scene of things, i dont think hes moving anywhere else very soon.
Everyone has moved on with thier lives, ever so fast faced all over the face of this earth. Everyone i knew is walking the path to different lives, and different situations.
I dont know what the city will look like for me in the next couple of years, somehow i have a feeling that im going right back to it once im done with my studies.
People say its a dead city, but then again, i think there is more it to it than that, people everywhere need a place to stay, and as long as that is there, people like me come into the picture... the never ending business of construction.
But then again, its fab to see all this, people movin on in different directions....
It was a revelation for me, when i came here four years ago, to live on my own, to grow on my own, today i guess its the same for everyone else who's moving away... in one way or the other
cheers mates... to our new lives...

2006-06-28T21:15:00.000+05:30

ah well....
my forgetful self...
sometimes i wonder why i forget somethings in one moment...
if ur wondering what im aiming at... well thats meant for me to know and you to guess...
but its rather human to be like this....
or so they say....

2006-06-27T23:32:00.000+05:30

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
We're still building
Then burning down loveBurning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do
The city's aflood
And our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled in dust
I'll show you a place
High on a desert plain
Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name

We're still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do
Our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the windOh, and I see love
See our love turn to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the windOh, when I go thereI go there with you
It's all I can do....

lovely aint it?

2006-06-27T23:28:00.000+05:30

this aint fair...
i so wanted to get wet in the rain today.... just stand there for sometime...
and now it aint raining anymore...

2006-06-27T18:36:00.000+05:30

i wonder if the weather has also become a lot like a lot of people i know...
like u end up having to swear at them for things to work...
lol... well... i said it was hot and sticky.... but now its back to bieng to its age old self....
nice and windy..... rather.. amazing actually

2006-06-27T11:50:00.000+05:30

see... this is what happens..... i praised the weather yesterday and now its back to bieng all hot and sticky.. im supposed to do a lot of work today...
my admit card.... my thesis synopsis... everything goes in today....
well its all a matter of a few print outs so.... :)

thought of the day :

Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd.: (1887 - 1964), Taken Care Of ,1965

2006-06-26T14:54:00.000+05:30

hmmm...
the bloody weather, so bloody rocks....
i love the wind blowing against my face.... the rain outside my window... the cuppa coffee with me as i stare out....

2006-06-25T19:18:00.000+05:30

ive been trying myself to start studying in advance for seven sems. now... lol
wondering whether its going to do any good trying this time..... the last week seems to have dissappeared into thin air... we've done nothing...

i shall of course travel to the city tommorrow.. or so i hope... maybe i wont ....
i shall be using the telephone to good effect... lets see if the buggers there listen....

2006-06-24T03:08:00.000+05:30

remenescence of old times.... its all so bitter sweet...
just a month ago is old now....
i wonder.... how long will everything in our lives keep floating...
when does it all settle down...

2006-06-23T18:22:00.000+05:30

suprise..surprise....
Masood Hussain turned up out of the blue..... nice to see him doing well, nd looking rather well fed... rather interesting...
Its good to see him.... with all the people leaving.... him coming back has been quite a revelation....
Varma left the other day.... the evenings are not the same anymore... thanks to this net connection.... we're occupied to some extent... but beyond that we've been constantly looking for something to do...

I dont know about everyone else... but i do miss the evenings... bitchin.. laughing... pulling each others legs... there is just so much we have done... that.... i dont know...
There seems to be no reason to go out, because noone calls us anymore... noone hollers... "ABHIIII.... chal juice pe ke aate hain"

things are so different.... it doesnt seem like its going to be the same anymore... everyone has moved on...as must we...

2006-06-22T10:15:00.000+05:30

right...
well i had an appointment with sreedhar today, he made it rather clear to everyone who visited him yesterday that he wont be seeing anyone between 10 and 11 today cause the three of us were supposed to land up.

its 10:30... and our man is nowhere to be found... he isnt picking up his cell, someone even suggested that he might be indulging in his first love, food and might have turned his cell off while doing so !! so much for mental peace !!

next semester is going to be weird. Us worker ants have this rather bad habit of slogging through classes starting at 7:30... but now... one single design project... come and go as one might please... just wondering whether any works going to get done...

im planning on designing a bio tech facility in Kolkata... rather Calcutta... i so wonder what its going to turn out to be ultimately...

hmmmm... so much for today....

2006-06-19T18:55:00.000+05:30

the young kid who lives uptairs..... studies like a dog.... lol... bloody hell all the enthu in first year... happens ever so often.... but we definitely are converting him into a cynic... debate all the unimportant things... and forget about the imp. ones :)

2006-06-19T18:32:00.000+05:30

o guys... the big man isnt around... i kinda didnt notice... so here goes him too.. !!

2006-06-18T19:22:00.000+05:30

Arunav left the other day, probably cause we've all got very little to do for the next week, we've all been thinking a lot about how lifes going to change as these guys move on... and in six months so do we....

well, noone seems to be able to reach a conclusion, so here goes.... our times in the last one year....

bloody jha wanted a snap for orkut, kept making everyone click... this was the best... what an irony...!!

met tk at garuda... bugger had turned up at empire to pee when we landed up there, tagged along after that.... good old days with him too (check out my fundo hair do... lol.... bloody i look like a joker, and tk looks drunk as ever)

sometimes we'd all just get down to hogging on good food, for no god damn reason... one of those days... the guys other than sid... hes probably in the kitchen coochy cooing !! :)

and the gurls !! :)

and me..!! lol

arunavs birthday.... lol.. dude the thought of that day makes me smile :)

sid and arunav on his birthday

there is so much more i can upload.... so many pictures, but the memories cant be put up here... neither can crack all the stupid jokes weve laughed at.... :) love yall dudes, youve kept me alive

2006-06-17T19:31:00.000+05:30

I don’t mean to sound old and philosophical, nor do I mean to crib, one has to do what they have to do, to get on in life. People have complained, and sometimes quite rightly so, (sometimes only) that I crib too much, but believe me, I really have never wanted to. Its been an outburst of what I see around me, which I believe is wrong. I guess I tend to speak too much about what I feel is not right or involves too much effort, rather than just doing it, which in human perception is considered as a sign of strength. But believe me fellas, never have I ever, ever shied away from work or effort or anything of the kind.

Come to think if it, its been a long journey here in Tumkur. As much as I have hated the place in the past, it seems to have grown onto me, probably because of the type of company I have here, as well as our completely crazy lifestyle, which frankly no one tends to object on.

Wake up when you want, do whatever you want, with the obvious limits of monetary constraints. Time seems to have lost its cycle. Ankit lives off a different time zone and it doesn’t actually matter as long as he puts in the required hours in front of the computer or the drafting table, as the situation may demand. Sid seems to have gone into maximum productivity mode during the wee hours of the night as he does the best of all he does between midnight and five in the morning. I on the other hand seem to be the only person who lives of the IST, sleeping around two and waking up accordingly in the not so early hours of the morning, say around eight ??!!

The only problem that comes into question here is, what will happen once we’re out of here ? I mean how is a company or an enterprise going to deal with our weird hours and productivity periods ? But then again we defy this too, by experiment we’ve seen that the time table can be rescheduled in no time at all !! All it takes is an excrutiating stay awake period at your regular sleeping hours and bingo you’re back in what we tend to call the regular hours.

Arunav left yesterday. A chapter closed in the prolific history of doing absolutely nothing and still enjoying ourselves. We’ve spent a countless number of hours commenting on movies and the flaws that they have, laughing about stupid things, ignoring important things such as exams and like, and debating the most non consequencial issues on the planet. I stood there right in front of the bus stand as he sped away in the Volvo heading towards Pune, wondering what life would be like when all these guys would leave. I stood there thinking, staring into the horizon as long as I could see the bus(which was quite a bit considering the straight road, rather large size of the bus, and the bare naked roads owing to the felling of all the trees around them, they say its been done to widen the roads, bah ! ) and wondering what it would take to assimilate another group of friends so close that they would run out in their pyjamas in the middle of the night if you were in trouble.

Some say this is not the end but just the beginning. College is going to get over at the undergraduate level in no time at all, but it doesn’t feel like four years have gone by. It seems like school got over ever so recently and college hasn’t been so long. All the guys I knew in school have moved on in life. Hardly anyone remains in the city of Kolkata, or rather Calcutta as I prefer calling it. Whoever remains there has changed ever so rapidly, that at times it gets difficult to relate to them considering the fact that the experiences that we have had in the past four years have been so varied. They have changed, as have I, but the underlying factors still bond us, hence despite all the differences, whenever you know someone is in town you tend to do whatever it takes to meet up with them, no matter what.

The last, semi reunion that we had in Bangalore last month was such a revelation. We hardly had spent ten minutes with each other, when we started taking each others trip, I mean it was so funny man, but at the same time it was wonderful.

It is the same case in most peoples lives, when you are somewhere you dream about being somewhere else and how great life would be there. As a child you always wanna grow up, as a teenager you miss being a child but wanna be an adult because of all the freedom that comes with it. Only when you become an adult that you realize that old age is not so inviting and hope to age with dignity. The same way, I always wanted to get out of here, but today when everyone is leaving, this place seems so much better than all the places I have been, with the possible exception of home. In the last few months, we have stopped referring to our place of residence as a flat, rather unconsciously though, we have started calling it home. I very recently recognized this and blamed it on the tremendous power man has to adapt to his immediate environment, but dude, is that all that there is to it.

I have met so many people in my life, people who influenced me to a very large extent, and then disappeared from my life. Every single individual I have met has taught me so much, that words would fail to describe everything. They have moulded me, into what I am today, for better or worse. Relationships have given me essential lessons in life, thank you everyone, for every moment I have spent with you, enjoyed myself, felt loved and cared for, hated and thrown right out of your lives, willingly and not so willingly. But I guess you had to move on, find your own goals, enjoy your own freedom, a part of your lives where I did not find any part. I realize today that as much as I wanted to be with you’ll, it doesn’t happen that way all the time, sometimes its far more different and difficult to deal with someone like me, than I would imagine. I have been a jerk, been difficult and stupid, to the limit that I would not tolerate myself if I were in your place, but you have done it more than once, thank you.

I guess everyone goes through all this in their lives, everyone feels like they are doing the right thing, sometimes pushing it all, because you feel desperate to have something that you so desire, and which for the moment seems more important than anything else in the world. The problem being, that all of us have this great desire to be liked and felt wanted, unless of course you are some sociopath. But then again there comes a phase when you realize that all this isn’t the end of the world, it is far more important to bow out with grace and dignity than hang with a loose thread with none at all.

To all the people, I have wronged, for what its worth, I’m sorry, if you’ve decided to exclude me from your lives I respect that decision. To all those people who I have been a jerk with, trust me, in my right mind I have never ever wanted to be that way, its just that… I don’t know…

If you are tolerating me, thanks, if you aren’t, a heartfelt goodbye…. Someday when we meet again, maybe we can start out afresh, and maybe things won’t be as complicated.

Ps: Please forgive my cribbing, I’m trying my best to put a stop to it. People have already started complaining about my emotionless mechanical nature, but really, I’m not like that, I guess I haven’t learnt how to communicate what I feel all the time, in the most effective manner, but then again that’s no excuse. I’m trying… sincerely.

2006-06-14T11:59:00.000+05:30

aha...
well if one were to read the last few entries in my blog, youd tend to believe that i am some sort of manic depressive idiot... lol...
it aint so... its just that... its not been a ball game all the time... and not that i expect it to be.... nor should it be like that...

if anyone in the world has been reading it.... well... im not cribbing... im just venting... its a way of making sure people arent effected by my frustrations...

a bit tired now... the last week has been a haze.... too much happening...

2006-06-10T15:22:00.000+05:30

things are going to be different... i can feel it.. and im not complaining.. there are like shit loads of people who i wanna talk to... i wanna answer.... old questions... give so many people a dose of thier own medicine....

ive been quiet too long.... for the sake of decency.... cause i hate fighting... cause i like some people... and i dont give a flying fuck even if they hate me...cause ill always be there... but people,..come on get over it... stop for heavens sake.... dont push me.... if u dont like me... ask me to go... i will... but dont push.... it hurts...

2006-06-10T15:14:00.000+05:30

i so goddamn hate it when this happens..... i hate loosing my temper... i hate it... it happens like once in months and i hate it.... i dont like bieng like this.. talking like this.... thinking like this.. .i sure am better the way i am.... numb....
i hate this sensation... cause i dont know what to do with it... how to get rid of it.....
come to think of it... its like that with everything now... i hate it...

2006-05-09T12:56:00.000+05:30

long fucking day.... it rained last night... and poof went the power.. i have fucking no clue why things have to be like this.... i mean ya its a semi urban place.... but still... i mean the power shutting off everytime it rains is ridiculous... wasted the whole fucking evening for no reason....

2006-05-08T16:28:00.000+05:30

its been years today.... four to be exact.....
i wont exactly call it an aniversary.... cause aniversaries are for rememberance or bring joy.... id rather friggin forget it all....

...but i cant...

2006-05-06T12:32:00.000+05:30

sad sad fucking day.....
i had a test first thing in the morning... that too a subject like CM... blooody hell... i just kept staring at the TV till late in the night after having to solve that bloody network problem...

The fat sob who teaches never taught us shit and would have fucked all of us if we made a mistake with that problem... thank fucking god... we got the question paper...

Then Nataraj screamed, i saw it coming quite a while ago actually....
we were fucking up really big time... there is a limit to taking things for granted and some of us were just crossing that invisible line....

someone should tell all those wierdos... it doesnt do any good to be like that....

2006-05-03T09:44:00.000+05:30

Urban Psyc. class was weird.... i have kept wanting to question ma'am why all her slides are always about the U.S.... somewhere or the other.... cause the psych. of people in this country varies so severely that it isnt funny.....

Empty Streets on peak hours, enough space to park for everyone...... I wonder what she would do if she landed up somewhere in central Kolkata on a weekday... say maybe around eleven ???? :)

The understanding of Urban Psych is a very area related subject..... we grow in the environment which shapes us..... we grow to understand so much more about it than anyone else would.....

The fact still remains, the Urban environment can never be the same for two people, living, even a few kilometers away from each other.... we have to understand the perspective of space in that regard.....

Noone really wants to know the perspective of Urban Space in anyone elses perspective.... what is required are the tools to to equip us to understand our spaces..... Comparisons from different parts of the world... evaluation.....

This is India. We probably have more diversity than any other country in the world.... We all talk about communalism.... has anyone ever seen as much harmony as here, anywhere else in the world ??????

Space......in India.... is a different proposition all together....

2006-04-25T10:32:00.000+05:30

One unusually quiet evening we kind of realized that is wouldn’t be possible to go to Goa, cause some of us just couldn’t devote so many work days to a holiday at this point of time. We cursed out luck, called ourselves prudes without any sense of adventure, cursed the college, the world…. And everything beyond that too.

Then came Keshav, he stayed back at our flat chatting with us while Prateek was hunting for material for his seminar upstairs at varma's. We were still bitching to no end, telling him how fucked up our lives were, till he suggested that since Goa was out of the cards we should head to Gokarna. Hmmmm….. Gokarna….was the reaction. He told us it was better than nothing at all and said we’d end up having a good time cause we weren’t going sightseeing but actually taking a holiday. Someone googled the place and came up with a list of places where we could stay. With all our disappointment, we all prepared to head there, somewhere is better than nowhere was the general state of mind, and Gokarna sure sounded better than nothing.

Gokarna, was literally a shock, cause our driver blissfully unaware of the place took us directly to the Gokarna beach after taking some directions from the locals, in a language which was more than Greek to us, a mix of Konkani and Kannada, it was so weirdly mixed up that we could only spot a few words in the whole.

Gokarna beach was anything but what it had promised to be. Filthy to the core, it was a place which was worse than any beach I had ever seen. A few phone calls later we realized that it was not the place to be and headed off to Om beach.

Om beach, was exactly the opposite, one of the cleanest beaches I had ever been to, (and I have been to quite a few in India) it was fabulous. Deserted with only a few foreigners having breakfast, it was quite out of dream. We hunted for a place to stay, but we just couldn’t find any place where we could settle down. The shacks which had vacancy, were rather basic, more crude than anything else. We had a couple of girls traveling with us, and the general consensus was that it just wasn’t safe for them ( We erred in our judgement of the place greatly cause it was anything but unsafe). The only thing that peeved us off was the way people didn’t want Indians staying at some of the shacks. Probably they made more money with people from other countries but it felt strange being rejected as a second class citizen in your own country.

We kept traveling, hungry, sleepless and hung to Karwar where we reached sometime in the afternoon. An excellent lunch and a nap later we headed out to Devbaugh beach. Devbaugh is an excellent fisherman’s beach accessible only by a narrow road which reminds one of the roads in the interior of Kerala. The architecture was very similar, tiled overhangs and wooden pillars, as were the coconut tree shaded pathways in the area.
We spent the entire evening in Devbaugh, enjoying ourselves, frolicking in the water till it got dark and we headed back to our hotel.

The next stop, after a fabulous dinner, was the Tagore beach in Karwar, named after the great poet who had spent some time there and even written a poem about his experience there. We hung around in the dark for hours, enjoying the sea breeze and the occasional sparkle in the dark sky, as someone set of a fire cracker in the many resorts all around. The only bummer was that the memory card in my camera got fucked leaving us frustrated cause we had taken numerous beautiful snaps back in Gokarna. Back at the hotel we were in no shape to even talk, and ended up fast asleep in a matter of a few minutes.

The next morning we were back at Om beach. We headed off to the Paradise beach in the afternoon. The bloody boatman duped us by telling us that we could catch a good lunch at one of the shacks at the Half Moon beach which was really rather untrue. The only sign of life on Half Moon was a foreigner stiching his shirt and another guy who looked quite high. The other fellow told us that there was no food to be found there, and gave us no reason why.

Hunger was the sensation of the moment and we decided to trek to Paradise where he told us we were sure to find something to eat and off we went.

Paradise was true to its name. A secluded beach it had just one shack and the fellow who owned it was happy to cook for us. He made a simple lunch and showed us his massive stock of coke and beer which everyone raided to their hearts content. We spent hours in the water, lying in the sun or in the hammocks doing absolutely nothing.

The evening was spent on the Om beach. Sitting around watching the sun set behind the mountains was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. The setting sun, the smell of sea food all around, with all the little shacks whipping up something or the other for dinner, the smell of the sea and the clean beach, all added to the experience. We ended up having a massive dinner at one of the restaurants on the beach. We stayed there till late in the evening, sitting around on the beach till evening. The one thing that struck us, was the difference between the Indians and the foreigners there. While the guys from countries across the world seemed to be absolutely in tune with the ambience a couple of these yuppies from small towns who had landed up there ended up making sure that the atmosphere was marred by their shrill screams and stupid comments. It was rather obvious why they don’t let Indians stay there.

We didn’t even realize when it was all over from the beaches to the time we spent talking to each other in the car and the excellent food, it was really a beautiful experience, an experience of a lifetime. I know it’s a clichéd line, but they are the only words I can find to define it all…… clichéd but true.

2006-04-18T10:36:00.000+05:30

The product design class today was fun.... i mean i'd never thought id be saying this.... but it really was....
I designed a chair today... Four years into a design course, and its only now that I'm beggining to understand what the implications of design actually are... how i single flaw of workmanship can spoil the work of a lifetime, and again.... how a single man's design can make life easier for billions across the world....

"Its all around us, over us, beneath us..... In fact we are products of evolutionary design.."

2006-04-18T08:56:00.001+05:30

hmmm...

leaving for Gokarna in a couple of days..... after a shit lot of planning (which seems to have done little good)... We tried our level best to get a couple of us to push off to Goa ( a 100k ) from there, ateleast for a day... but then again people have thier preferences and there's shit we can do about it....

Well im hoping to have a good holiday, where i can just plop my ass on the beach, relax and spend a lot of time.... well.....doing nothing.....

Wish me luck....

2006-04-15T11:05:00.000+05:30

The alarm in the morning today was almost as if it was ringing in my dreams. People find it difficult to believe that we stay up as late as we do and we're in class first thing in the morning. In fact i guess no one believes anyone amongst the hundred odd people who populate this department.....

I was thinking about the first day of college today... it was a nightmare... facing a panel of faculty, noone of them even vaguely from my generation trying to explain to them why i took the subject up.....

I remember very vividly how Arjun stood up first, rather he was asked to stand up first and give reason to his choice.... he was confident... spoke well, impressed anyone and everyone at one go.... in fact i remember borrowing some of his lines, with assistance of the twists and turns that the English Language allows us, to try and impress the bunch of old guys, who just sat there staring.....

It was a mortfying experience...but come to think of it now..... it was rather funny...
A bunch of 20 odd people... sitting all decked up.. shifting around nervously...
It been four years since..... countless number of fights.... hours spent together....
We'll be gone in no time....yet another chapter closed..... new friends..... new lifestyles....

Thats life i guess....
As an after thought... i wonder where Arjun went.... I dont know..... i tried to keep in touch... but i guess we all just went on with our lives....